又期待又緊張，我不知道怎麼辦。只要是新的開始才是好的。

This spiritual place is where people find themselves, communicate with themselves and hide the most private part of themselves. It’s a place we cannot see, we cannot physically go to. It exists in our imaginary minds. That’s what makes it private. The people we meet there are our spirit guides. Guides chosen to provide us with sudden thoughts, hints, thoughts and gut feelings. Not many of us are able to visit that place. And when we do, we often think of ourselves as crazies. Most often, we find ourselves talking to ourselves. Well, it could be that really the other voice in your head is your spirit guides.

Have you ever met someone you thought you knew long ago but there was no actual fact in history that you met them? I have. I couldn’t explain the encounter and I couldn’t make sense of my feelings. There was just a feeling transferred into my mind, telling me to stop and look at this person. I have my story of this encounter to many people. Although, it’s been 10 years since that day, it’s still freshly planted in my memory. Do you recall not being able to keep your eyes off of someone, not only because they are attractive? What went through your mind when that happened?

When I actually got the chance to speak with this person, the results was phenomenal. Everything I thought I knew about this person was right. How did all that information get into my mind without meeting this person? Weird. That wasn’t all, there were many times where this person had left my environment but we somehow bumped into each other again elsewhere. 10 years later today, he’s close yet he’s far. What happened to the time in between when we completely lost contact? Was that part of the “plan”? Perhaps but perhaps the spirit guides too gave up on us.

Today, I’m searching again – not for this person who I want to see again but my spirit guides that may help me understand how this all works. Every meditation seems to bring me closer to this place but somehow the stress in my daily life pulls me back. Spiritual me is telling myself to find the answers in my life on my own. It’s not what I see but what I feel. Have you found yours?

雖然我去過很多地方，認識很多人，見過很多事物，經歷無數事情，我在想：有沒有莫個人或地方會屬於我的？ 答案永遠都解不了。

現在好像等一開始，但其實我在等一總結。每一總結的時候都不捨得。是真的不捨得還是害怕放手？ 其實好多東西帶不走。只有向前走才會找到更多。

快二十八歲的我現在還有什麼？我又得到什麼？但願時間可以停留樣我珍惜每一個在我生命中的人。

Well today, I decided to get something different. I ordered what I thought would be the closest to a hit version of my drink. A tall non fat latte with classic syrup. Sounds close enough right? Double expresso, syrup and steamed milk. It was different. The workers were shocked and I didn’t like the drink at all. Just a slight temperature contrast and different way of preparing it, it was awfully different. I was better off ordering the routine drink but what pushed me try to something different was because I hated routine. I hated the routine life and I was tired of it.

My regular drink didn’t symbolized routine which was what I didn’t realize. Ordering the same drink and food at the same places meant I was just very decisive about what I wanted. Having to travel around the world and tried so many things, I discovered what I like and dislike. Is it a good thing? Or a closed minded thought?

Being sharp and decisive is what most people admire of me but this character can also be my downfall. I’m just not willing to accept something different from my preference. Which at times can stress me out.

Relationships is like a cup of tea – you know what you want and just won’t accept others. What if want you want can’t be yours? Life can’t be that perfect. You may be smart, successful and wealthy but that person beside you just isn’t right. What do you do? Keep waiting? Or leave and search again?

What’s your cup of tea?

我沒有選擇。我唯有做好自己的事情再想。陳年的事往往在我腦海裡不停提醒我原來在這十年裡我沒有望記我要的是什麼。我不可以說我沒有開心過但我沒有真正幸福過。還在期待會有奇蹟出現嗎？

In 2012, I felt as though, I needed to put many things behind me. Yet every step I take forward, takes me half a step back. What it is about the past that we always tend to fall back on? I’m tired. Exhausted. Sick of repetition. Bored of routine. Yet routine is what comforts everyone.

Happiness is what I’ve been searching for. Where can it be found? Can it be found in wealth? Happiness shouldn’t be far. As a matter of fact, it’s close to you. There are so many people in this world, but we are the only ones who can hold our own happiness. Amongst our busy every lives, how much of us is real and how much of us is fake? Not just in terms of the surface and how we act; but even our thoughts – are they even real?

For most of the time, it’s our thoughts and our perception of things that bother us. What if I tell you that your perception is wrong? Would that issue bother you? I can tell you that if you tell me my perception is wrong, it bothers me even more but that’s just how our brain works. We take in things our way and deal with it our way. But if what bothers us most is our thoughts can we learn to think otherwise? Is there an on and off button to our brain?

You are the only audience to your life. You are judging yourself. At the end of the day, you only need to live up to yourself and no one else. We feel and think what isn’t reality. We take expectations, judgements and demands from others and skew it into a way that puts all these negative thoughts in our heads. These thoughts are essentially what creates pressure and stress. Is it not? We have roles to play, yes. We are a child, a parent, a girl/boyfriend, husband/wife, grandparent, brother/sister, employee/boss; whatever it is we think these roles lock us to be whoever we are. But if I tell you in life you only play two character – you, the main character and other roles (whatever they may be), the supporting character. Is life simpler? In your life, you are the main character. In other’s lives you are the supporting character. You cannot own up to their lives. So why beat up yourself for something that is out of your control? Why? But we all do. We stress over things we don’t have control over. We constantly ask why things happen to us. Whatever role we play, we aim for 100% but no one is perfect. We are perfect to no one. But what we can be, is perfect to ourselves.

I also feel as though, we loss a sense of truth. The true person we once were. I don’t even know which side of life I’m on. I don’t know whether I should live life the way I used to or find a new way. Open minded is the better way to describe a lost person. How did I become so lost? I stopped caring for a lot of things and people. I guess I’m at point of asking why? Why I can’t see beyond today and why the sky suddenly turned grey. What happens if I continue to act oblivious about things? Will I wake up to a world I no longer know or would the world adjust itself? I want to be satisfied. It the temptation is pulling me in different directions. Which direction would you choose?

In the dragon year, I hope to accomplish more than I ever did. I wish to build up the courage for change and new opportunities. If that is the direction of happiness, I will work hard to get there.

All the best in the water dragon year folks!

Do I still like him or do I like the person he prior to the relationship? The ending of how we end up never matter to me. It doesn’t matter whether we are still together or not. What matters is that I can’t figure out this weird feeling. Being in a totally different geographic location from I somehow started to feel him alive in my life again. Then I realize I probably miss the feeling of liking someone rather than being liked.

Being pampered and love is a nice feeling but I always chose to like a person more beyond love can define because I think it’s this feeling that makes one soul complete. Sure, you can have a great personality and be liked but how often do you come across someone that makes you incredibly dumb and tipsy. LOL the sadist part is that reality isn’t as beautiful as the feeling.

Every couple can show that they are in love and that everything is perfect with just a few words and actions you don’t see. What we don’t know is the yelling and crying beyond their smiles.

After learning this upon failures of relationships, real love doesn’t matter. It’s the guilt and comfort that people hold on to in the relationship that makes it have to work.

I used to think being together is the best thing god can do for two people but the challenge is torture in another way. The phase before the relationship is always the more fun and sweet phase. Married couples seem happy but if they are not arguing about preferences or kids, they are arguing about money. That wedding to many people is a step to move into the final step of a relationship but final also means closure and death of thee. Every relationship will reach this point but many also enjoy the closure because there is only you and him/her.

All our lives we are chasing for another half to reach the final stage with us but I will chose to never stop chasing for love; even if it’s forbidden.

“births and deaths are part destiny not life, my life is mine not gods” – many people believe that life is all written in the books of the skies; birth and death we cannot control but what do in life is our choices. We make choices that lead us to an expected part of life. It’s not written in the books. We meet opportunities and challenges that leads to paths of different fates. In the end, we come to the same point of death. Life expectancy is not up to us to choose but we before we get there, life is in our hands. Don’t feel hopeless over what we can’t control but instead focus on what we can control. Recently, a friend’s grandpa got really sick and passed. All an believe is that he’s in a better place. Hope this friend can find her inner strength to face the loss of those who raised her. Instead of the “everything will be ok” comforting words, I’m sending her and her family my greatest sympathies. Those we loss will be missed but know that their love will be with us each and every day of our lives.

“as children we must respect our parents, those who don’t carry sins” this phrase takes on the meaning to everyone’s roots. In Taoism, it’s all about respecting the ancestors and the elderly in order for good karma. What goes around comes around, how you treat your parents is how your children are going treat you. Parents could be a little annoying at times but they always do things in your best interest. It is believed in superstition of Taoism and Buddhism that child who don’t respect their parents or treat them bad, don’t make it far in life and will not be successful. In the statistics of the people I know this philosophy it is true so far but it’s up to decide whether you believe in it. However aside from the superstition, your parents are the reason why you are here, they deserve your all.

- a cake I made for my dad’s 60th bday